Sasuke's Diary
by Silver Curiosity
Summary: Dear Diary, You know what? I have such beautiful green hair, but today, that fool, Sakura, insulted me by saying that my raven black hair was gorgeous! Is she color blind or something! Everyone knows my hair is green! Sasuke Uchiha xxxxxx Read his diary!
1. Chapter 1

**Disclaimer: I do not own any Naruto character in this fanfic, but I do own Sasuke's diary (since I'm writing it)

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****a/n: This idea has been in my head for a long time. I typed up half of it a while ago, then finished the rest some number of days earlier. All my friends found this hilarious. I hope all you readers find this just as hilarious and laugh your butts off -

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**Sasuke's Diary**

Chapter 1

It had been 2 and a half years since Sasuke went with Orochimaru. Naruto and Sakura were 15 years old, and Tsunade had given them a mission. _We have discovered a small house in the woods. Sasuke's home. Search Sasuke's house, _she had said. _See if anything there can give us a clue to Sasuke's whereabouts. If not, then see if they will reveal the whereabouts of Itachi Uchiha. Bring back any valuable information._

**XxX xXx XxX **

Sakura was checking out the living room as Naruto opened the door to Sasuke's room and cautiously peered inside. It was as messy as his place. This shocked him. _The infamous Uchiha's as messy and disorganized as I am, _Naruto thought with a grin on his face. "And he used to annoy _me_ about being messy," he muttered to himself. He started to poke around in Sasuke's drawers and under his bed.

That's where he found something _very_ interesting. A small, thick, blue book with the words _Sasuke's Diary_ embedded on the front in gold. "Sakura-chan, look what I found!" Naruto shouted excitedly. Sakura ran into the room and said, "Naruto, if this is some stupid—OH MY GOD, IS THAT SASUKE-KUN'S D-D-D-DIARY?!" Sakura grabbed the diary and held it against her chest. "Finally, the proof that I need to prove that Sasuke-kun loves me as much I love him!" Sakura exclaimed.

Naruto snatched the diary away from Sakura. "Hey!" Sakura cried out. "I wanna read it too!" Naruto argued. Then he opened the diary to the first page and he and Sakura began to read.

**Dear Diary,**

**So _you're_ a diary. Interesting. Now, what am I supposed to with you? Tell you my biggest secret? Ok. My biggest secret is…HA! I'M NOT TELLING YOU! YOU CAN'T FOOL ME, DAMN DIARY! Okay, fine, I'll tell you my biggest secret. My biggest secret is…that I don't have a biggest secret. There. I told you! Happy now, you dumb diary?! Happy that you made me cry?! Yea, I thought so. I am NOT, and I repeat, NOT getting emotional. Okay, maybe a little…**

**Hey, I just figured out that you can't talk. So that means that I can share all my secrets with you! I'm so happy! Look what you did now, you made me cry again! But this time, I'm happy. Okay, I have to confess something. I AM AN EMO! Yes, you heard me. I mean read me. I mean…hmm…what do I mean? Oh forget it. I forgot. But you can't talk, so I don't gotta explain nothing to you. **

**You wanna know my favorite song? It's My Humps by the Black Eyed Peas. "My humps, my humps, my humps, my humps! My humps, my humps, my humps! My lovely manly lumps! Check it out!" **

**I couldn't say "lady lumps" 'cause I'm not a lady. Or am I… And my favorite T.V. show is that new one called "Search for the Next Doll". The Pussy Cat Dolls are trying to find a new girl for their group. I wish I entered. I would have so totally won. Don't you think so? Thanks for agreeing. Great! You made me cry again!**

**I gotta go. I think Naruto's trying to blow up my house with that new jutsu of his called the "Blow Up—I Mean Fix Sasuke's House no Jutsu". I'm afraid of the results, so I gotta stop him. And my nails aren't done yet! I can't die before my nails dry! **

**Your Worst Nightmare,**

**Sasuke Uchiha**

**I wonder if I spelled my name right.**

Sakura twitched. Naruto felt as horrified and disgusted as she looked. "O_kay_..." Naruto said slowly. "That was…uh…interesting." Sakura just twitched some more, then put her hands on her head and yelled out, "YAAAAAAAAAAAAA! THIS IS NOT MY SASUKE-KUN! THIS CAN'T BE MY SASUKE-KUN!"

Naruto just stared at her for a while as he felt his senses coming back to him, then replied, "Sorry, Sakura-chan. This, unfortunately, is Sasuke. Of course, if you don't want to read anymore, I could just—" Naruto never got to finish his sentence because Sakura had just screamed out at the top of her lungs, "NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CONTINUE, DAMN IT, CONTINUE!"

Naruto, who was starting to get very scared of Sakura, flipped the page and they both started to read the next entry.

**Dear Diary,**

**Sorry I haven't been writing in you for a while now. I was sent on a mission with my stupid team. So…what's up? I guess I should introduce myself to you. My name is Sasuke Uchiha. Who're you? Hello? Why aren't you answering? MEANIE! YOU GOD DAMN DIARY! WHY THE HELL AREN'T YOU ANSWERING ME? WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?! Oh well. Wanna know something? I went on this mission with my stupid team. Did I say that already? Nah. Well, we were supposed to protect this old guy, then he was attacked by an eyebrowless freak called Zabuza and his boyfriend Haku. Man, was Zabuza UGLY! But that Haku guy had this really pretty nail polish. I was gonna ask him where he got it from, and then my perverted sensei, Kakashi-sensei, goes and kills him. I mean, what is up with that? **

**You know what? I have such beautiful green hair, but today, that fool, Sakura, insulted me by saying that my raven _black_ hair was gorgeous! Is she color blind or something?! Everyone knows my hair is _green_! That ugly Sakura reminds me of boogers and vomit. Damn, she's annoying! I wish she'd get smashed by an evil hotdog or something. **

**When I was little, I wanted to be a butterfly, but for some strange reason, my parents told me that would never happen. Those evil bastards, may they rest in peace, ruined my childhood dreams! I could've grown up to be a big, beautiful, colorful butterfly, but _noooooo_, they wouldn't let me. If they let Itachi be a ferret, then why couldn't they let me be a butterfly? I guess I'll never know.**

**You know that song _I'm Too Sexy_? It's was made for me! I mean, _look at me_! **

**I am so damn sexy! And that Kakashi thinks the song was made for him 'cause he thinks _he's_ sexy. That dumbass. He doesn't know sexy when it's right under his nose! Hell yea, I am SO sexy! Like, whatever. I have a date with the bathtub, so I'm gonna get going now. Chow. **

**The Sexiest Guy In The World,**

**Sasuke Uchiha**

**Did I spell that right?**

Sakura twitched again. This was scaring her just as much as it was scaring Naruto. Then she screamed. "Sasuke-kun thinks I'm a FOOL?! OH, WE'LL SEE WHO'S THE FOOL!" she cried. "Calm down, Sakura-chan!" Naruto said. They were starting to get sick. But they took it like a man (Sakura smacks author and makes her write "and Sakura took it like a woman") and Sakura took it like a woman, and turned the page. Naruto winced as he and Sakura began reading the next horrible entry.

**Dear Diary,**

**The Chuunin exam just started. I had to keep hiding in the bushes to actually get a chance to write in you. To tell you the truth, I think Kiba's dog peed on me. I wish this stupid thing would end already. I gotta do my nails! They're really unpretty. I gotta find some nail polish!**

**Oh yea, I met this guy named Gaara. He also has no eyebrows and wears mascara. I wonder if he has any nail polish. Oh no! I think I see Naruto! I think he's gonna pee in the bush I'm in! Bye!**

**Your Master,**

**Sasika Achuhi**

**Okay, I know I spelled it wrong this time**

Naruto looked back at Sakura. She was speechless. And Naruto felt really embarrassed about him peeing in the bush thing. With no more distorted faces to make, he just turned the page and he and Sakura read.

**Dear Diary,**

**I met Orochimaru today. He bit me. Strange. I wonder if he's gay. He's some freaky snake dude. He had this really ugly disguise, and when his fake face peeled off, I was flabbergasted. IT WAS MICHAEL JACKSON! I screamed so hard that I almost died. And then I noticed his nails. They were so perfect! So I waltzed up to him and took his hand and studied the beautiful blue nails with rainbows on them. I was taken back in awe.**

**After Michael Jackson bit me, I realized that my name was Sasuke Uchiha and a couple of hours later, I realized that I was bitten by a snake. Everyone says I'm slow. I wonder why. I realize things so fast! Michael Jackson's nail polish was so awesome! I was gonna ask him where he got it from, but that moron, Naruto, decided to start beating him up, so I couldn't. **

**After that, I think he said something about raping me, and then left. I was **

**scared. I was in pain, and that ugly pink thing came up to me and asked if I was okay. It started to hug me so hard that I started to suffocate. It's like a freakin' pink leech! When I finally pried it off me, it just hugged me again, as if it wanted me to die or something.**

**A few hours later, or was it days, we got the second scroll that we needed and went to the tower. Then, since we passed, we were gonna take the Chuunin exams. Wait. I thought this was the Chuunin exams! Maybe it's the Genin exams. Who knows?**

**I thought I just saw a ferret. Damn ferrets. They remind me of Itachi. Anyways, I learned some shocking things that day. Here they are:**

**1. Haku wasn't Zabuza's boyfriend. Gasp! I was _wrong_?!**

**2. Milk doesn't come from gallons. It comes from cows. How much sense does _that_ make?**

**3. This one isn't shocking…My hair is definitely green. I asked some blind guy if he agreed with me and he did. So there, Sakura, you hideous thing. My beautiful green hair…I wear it with pride! It's so green!**

**4. Gaara has more mascara than me! This is an outrage! I will kill him! His ugly face doesn't deserve to be caressed by the gentle touch of mascara!**

**5. I want to give Neji a wedgie. Hey, that rhymes. Neji. Wedgie. I don't know why I want to do this. I just do.**

**6. The last thing I learned is that I learned five shocking things that day. Neji really deserves a wedgie. He's a blind girl. Hmmm… I wonder if he's the blind person I was talking to about my hair…Nah. Of course not. That person was a guy. Neji's a girl. **

**Hey. Someone's online. Time for me to instant message! **

**TTYL Get it diary? I'm gonna go instant message and I said bye to you in an instant message-y way.**

**I just laughed for 30 minutes straight. Damn, I crack myself up. Hmmm…crack. That reminds me. The other day, Kiba said I must've been on crack when I tried to commit suicide by jumping off the bottom stair of the staircase onto the floor. That was a good height to die at, wasn't it? But for some reason, I didn't. I fell flat on my face, then a couple of people stepped on me. I hate them all.**

**Well, see ya.**

**With all my love and green hair,**

**Sasuke Uchiha**

**I'm pretty sure that's the right spelling**

"That was…"Naruto started, but couldn't find the words. Sakura was frozen, unblinking and lifeless.

"Sakura?"

"M-My Sasuke-kun thinks I look like a booger?" Sakura slowly turned her head towards the window and looked out at the sunset. "H-He thinks that milk comes from gallons…and-and he tried to commit suicide by jumping off the bottom stair of a staircase…and he doesn't have a sense of humor…"

"You know, Sakura," Naruto said to Sakura, "I don't know what you ever saw in

that guy. I mean, I used to think that he was cool, but after reading this, I—don't even have words for how much this weirds me out." Naruto turned to Sakura. "Really, what did you see in him? I think that I would've—"

Sakura looked irritated. "Seriously, Naruto, if you're trying to hit on me again…" Naruto looked surprised. "Hitting on you? But I have a girlfriend! Did you forget Hinata already?

_That's right,_ thought Sakura miserably. _Hinata. Even Naruto has a girlfriend. And I still have no one..._

The movement of a bookcase interrupted the kunoichi's thoughts. She looked toward the sound and saw Naruto kneeling behind a small bookcase. "Naruto, what are you—" Sakura started, but just then Naruto shouted, "Get out of the house! Now!"

Naruto and Sakura exited the home of the Uchiha just as it exploded. Sakura had grabbed his diary. The two ninja covered their faces with their arms as pieces of wood scattered throughout the forest. The house was set ablaze. Startled, Sakura turned to the blond ninja and gasped, "Naruto, What happened?!"

"I found exploding notes behind the bookcase. Someone or something didn't want us to search Sasuke's house."

"There were exploding notes?!" Sakura cried out. "It's a good thing you saw them, then."

"Something was inside that place. But we were so busy reading that diary! Crap," Naruto muttered. "Let's go back. There's nothing left for us to do here." Sakura nodded in agreement and followed him back to the village, clutching the diary.

_Something was in that house,_ Naruto thought. _And someone didn't want us to find out. Sasuke, if you were the one who put those exploding notes there, I'll kill you. You could've killed me and Sakura._

**XxX xXx XxX**

After getting back to Konoha and reporting to Tsunade, Naruto and Sakura went to Ichiraku Ramen. "Um, Naruto?" Sakura asked. "What?" replied Naruto, his face stuffed with ramen. Sakura took out Sasuke's diary. Naruto gasped.

"How did you get that?"

"I took it with me when we ran out of Sasuke's house."

"Sweet! Now we can read more!" Naruto said enthusiastically. Then, after remembering some of the things he and Sakura had already read, he added, "If we don't barf before finishing." Sakura laughed and opened the diary to the next entry and they started to read.

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**a/n: That's it! Hope you enjoyed my first chapter. I'll be updating as quickly as I can. The diary entries will be continued in the next chapter. I've had this idea in my head for a while, now. Now, if you don't mind clicking that little bluish/purplish button down in the corner and reviewing…**

**Also, about the instant messaging part, you can actually read about it. I wrote a fanfic called The Naruto Chat Room Files, and it's about the Naruto characters instant messaging online. Something I love to do with my friends, but sadly, Windows Live Messenger isn't** **working at the moment.** **Oh well.**


	2. Chapter 2

Sasuke's Diary

**DISCLAIMER:**** I don't own Naruto. It's a shame, but life ain't easy.**

Chapter Two

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**Previously…**

_After getting back to Konoha and reporting to Tsunade, Naruto and Sakura went to Ichiraku Ramen. "Um, Naruto?" Sakura asked. "What?" replied Naruto, his face stuffed with ramen. Sakura took out Sasuke's diary. Naruto gasped. _

"_How did you get that?"_

"_I took it with me when we ran out of Sasuke's house."_

"_Sweet! Now we can read more!" Naruto said enthusiastically. Then, after remembering some of the things he and Sakura had already read, he added, "If we don't barf before finishing." Sakura laughed and opened the diary to the next entry and they started to read._

**Dear Diary,**

**Today, I passed a mirror, and I saw someone really weird in it! He was so ugly! He had stupid looking hair that was shaped like a chicken's butt, and his clothes were so unfashionable! The worst part was he kept copying everything I was doing! He even stuck the middle finger out at me! Stupid ugly weirdo. God am I sexy. **

**But all I attract are these freaky third genders (those who are both a man and a woman) that are obsessed with me! (Example: Sakura, Ino)**

**They could've at least been hot, even if they are third genders. I might as well date my ramen bowl. It's cuter than those freaks. **

**Anyways…Kakashi-sensei told me stay away from older men who try to hit on me, like Orochimaru. I don't get it, but whatever. I'm so hot that I even attract the men. Wait, that's not a good thing.**

**Like, this morning, Shino tried to touch me. He said there was a poisonous spider on my shoulder. Like I'd actually believe him. He just wanted to use that as an excuse to touch me. Ya know, my shoulder kinda hurts, and my arm's numb. And my shoulder feels kinda hairy. I didn't think hair could grow on your shoulders. The funny thing is, it's all squished together on the spot that really hurts. I'll just ignore it.**

**I found this piece of paper at school today that said, "Sasuke's GAY". I wonder what GAY stands for. Maybe it stands for "Gorgeous, Awesome, and Yellow". The "G" for Gorgeous, the "A" for Awesome, and the "Y" for Yellow. Or maybe it stands for just "gay", as in homosexual. Nah. It totally stands for "Gorgeous, Awesome and Yellow" 'cause I'm gorgeous, I'm awesome, and I'm yellow.**

**OMG I think someone's stalking me. Tell you 'bout it next time. l8rz, dude.**

**Sincerely,**

**Moi**

**That's "me" in English. I mean French.**

"Oh my god," Naruto said with wide eyes. "Oh my freakin' god. Sakura-chan, he thinks he's yellow!**" **

"S-Sasuke-kun…he thinks I'm a th-third gender?" Sakura muttered. Naruto looked at her with a worried face.

"Sakura-chan, you don't have to read anymore if you—" Naruto started, but Sakura cut in.

"No, Naruto," she said bravely. "I'll read this until I find the page where Sasuke-kun confesses his love to me!"

"Um, I don't think that's gonna be happening," Naruto said nervously. Sakura grabbed the diary and turned the page.

**Dear Diary,**

**I think I'm black. I'm a total gangstah. I got this cool do rag and I'm gonna call myself Big G. My shadow's gonna be Little G. And I can totally rap! Listen to this:**

**My gangstah name's Big G ****I like hanging with ma homies I'm so fuckin' emo ****I'm in all your dreams-o My raps are so OD You won't find another gangstah like me**

Naruto turned to Sakura and mumbled, "That's for sure." Sakura just twitched and they turned back to the entry.

**I own all ya muthafuckas I even own Uranus All the police are out to get me But I'm just too much of a hottie So they can't get me**

**My rap's so gangster-like, right? Yea, I think so too. But, for some reason, when I was rapping this cool rap song in some dark alley, all these other gangsters came and beat the crap out of me. It's probably 'cause my rapping talent was so much better than theirs', though I do think that I heard one of them call me a "wannabe". **

**Oh yea! I never told you about my stalker! You know that squirrel on the tree outside my house? I could've sworn that it followed me home from Kentucky the other day. How it caught up to me while I was in a car, I don't know, but it so totally stalked me.**

**OMG IT'S LOOKING AT ME! YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA! OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG!**

**Okay, it left. I threw my T.V. at it. My T.V. never hit the stupid squirrel, but it was so scared by my gangster powers that it ran away. Am I a gangster or what? Well, I gotta go now. **

**The one and lonely,**

**Sasuke Uchiha**

**Wait, it's one and **_**only**_** not one and **_**lonely**_

**I'm so smart**

"Okaaaaaaay…" Naruto said, clearly disturbed. He closed the diary and looked at Sakura, who was cringing so hard that her face could have stayed in that position forever. She was scarred for life. "He thinks he's gangster…that's a new one," Naruto muttered.

"Um…I have to go barf now, so if you don't mind waiting…" Sakura said as she ran out to a street and vomited.

"Whoa, Sakura-chan, you okay?" asked Naruto, concerned.

Sakura wiped her mouth and smiled. "Yea! C'mon, let's read the next one!" she said enthusiastically.

"Sakura-chan, you're so excited!" Naruto said in shock. "What happened to all your disgust?!"

"I put it aside," Sakura told Naruto, still smiling. "I'll read through the whole thing if I have to as long as I find the words that Sasuke wrote in here that expresses his love to me."

"But he doesn't love—" Naruto started, but stopped, thinking that it would be stupid to end his sentence. He sighed. "Alright." He flipped the diary open to the next entry.

**Dear Diary,**

**Today, Kakashi-sensei told me that a gangster ninja is stupid, so I told him that I'd quit being a ninja since I was better at being a gangster than a ninja, but he slapped me upside the head, so I now I have to be a ninja. No fair. I wanted to be a gangster.**

**No way! You know Rihanna's new song Umbrella? It's so gangster! With all the rain and stuff! I just heard it on the radio station Z100. **

**Shikamaru came by my house earlier. He said he had a secret to tell me, so he leaned in close to my ear and screamed really loudly, then ran away laughing. I guess his secret was that I'd be deaf in one of my ears soon. And I am. Shikamaru's so nice, warning me about something like that before it happens.**

**Oh yeah, I wanna introduce you to somebody, diary. His name's Tree. He's, like, brown with green leaves and he always ignores me. What a loser. I used to think he was one of my trusted girlfriends, but when I told him to promise to keep a secret of mine, he didn't promise! God!**

**Oh yeah, and that secret is that I think this Gai-sensei's hitting on me. Yesterday, he was all, "Sasuke-kun! I'll hit on **_**you**_** now!" And then, he came and **_**hugged**_** me. It totally scared the living daylight outta me. I was like, "WHAT THE HELL, YOU HOMO!!! GET OFF ME!" Then he looked at me and said, "If you were a booger, I would totally pick you." Then I ran for my life and my dignity and my virgin ears and for my life—did I say that already? Well, it's true. And now everyone knows about it, too. At first, I thought that it was 'cause of the newspaper since that was on the front page, but after thinking real hard, I came to the conclusion that Tree must've been the one who told the whole freakin' world. Stupid freakin' Tree. He just couldn't keep my secret, could he? That bitch.**

**The Sharingan is so weird. I mean, it's so useless. You can't even do anything with it. At least with the Byakugan, you can peek on all the boys—I mean girls—in the bathhouses. I'm straight, not gay. Straight as curved line. Wait. That means I'm not straight, 'cause curved lines aren't straight. That means I just called myself gay. OMG I JUST DISSED MYSELF!**

**Hey, it's already 8:00! No wonder it was so dark outside. Time for my afternoon tea! **

**The most beautiful creature,**

**Sasuke something**

**I have currently forgotten my last name**

"H-He forgot his last name?!" Sakura screamed, enraged. "This is NOT my Sasuke-kun! MY Sasuke-kun is NOT that stupid!"

"Well, according to this diary right here, he is," Naruto said matter-of-factly, just to get smacked by Sakura a few moments later.

"Don't worry, Naruto," Sakura said dramatically. "Sasuke-kun will confess his undying love to me soon! Then we won't have to continue reading these horrors!"

"Heh, even you think this is horrifying," Naruto said with a grin. "Wait, did you just say that _Sasuke_ was gonna confess his undying love for _you_?!"

"So what if I did?!" Sakura yelled. "Got a problem with that?!"

"Well, I don't but Sasuke might. I mean, he totally hates y—OW!" Naruto rubbed the spot on his head that Sakura had just slapped.

"You don't think that Sasuke-kun loves me?!" Sakura demanded.

"I don't just _think_ it, I _know_—OOWWW! THAT HURT!"

"THAT WAS THE POINT, YOU DUMBASS! DON'T DOUBT OUR NEVER-ENDING LOVE!"

"'Never-ending love'? Yea right," muttered Naruto. Then he quickly yelped out, "Sorry!" as Sakura raised her bazooka and aimed it at his head.

"Ya know, it's getting kinda late," Naruto pointed out.

"Yea," Sakura agreed. She closed the diary and walked out of Ichiraku Ramen. Naruto followed.

"Hey! Why do _you_ get to take it home?" Naruto whined.

"Because I'm more responsible," Sakura told him.

"But that's not fair!" Naruto protested. "I found it!"

"But you might lose it," Sakura said with a frown.

"Right," agreed Naruto. "But promise you won't read any of it without me, 'kay?"

"'Kay," Sakura replied. And they both went back home, not being able to wait to read the next entry. But as Naruto and Sakura started recalling some of the more disturbing parts of the diary, the both decided that they could probably wait through at least the night.

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**a/n: Yay! Chapter two! I'll try to update more quickly next time. Meanwhile, you readers might want to read my newest fanfics ****Truths About Akatsuki**** and ****Secrets****. I'd like at least five reviews please! It's so easy! Just click that bluish/purplish button down in the corner and tell me what you think. YAY! Weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!!!**


	3. Chapter 3

Sasuke's Diary

**Disclaimer:**** I don't own squat, so all you people who thought you could sue me…YOU CAN'T! MWA HA HA HA (cough cough) ha…ha… Ugh. Forgot to breathe again…**

Chapter 3

**a/n: I love this fanfic. It even makes me crack up when I reread it. I updated!!!! Yay! Enjoy, peoples!**

Previously

"_Ya know, it's getting kinda late," Naruto pointed out. _

"_Yea," Sakura agreed. She closed the diary and walked out of Ichiraku Ramen. Naruto followed._

"_Hey! Why do you get to take it home?" Naruto whined._

"_Because I'm more responsible," Sakura told him._

"_But that's not fair!" Naruto protested. "I found it!"_

"_But you might lose it," Sakura said with a frown._

"_Right," agreed Naruto. "But promise you won't read any of it without me, 'kay?"_

"'_Kay," Sakura replied. And they both went back home, not being able to wait to read the next entry. But as Naruto and Sakura started recalling some of the more disturbing parts of the diary, they both decided that they could probably wait through at least the night. _

Naruto's House

Naruto yawned as he rolled to the side, resulting in him falling off his bed again. He landed with a loud thud on the cold floor of his bedroom.

"Jeez," he muttered to himself while rubbing his head. "Morning came so quickly." Then he remembered the diary. And he was out the door and running towards Sakura's house in a matter of moments.

Sakura's House

Sakura was mumbling angrily. She had been woken up at five in the morning by a neighbor who decided to play a trumpet for a concert that would be held in a couple of months.

"I guess I should get ready and go over to Naruto's place," Sakura said quietly as she glanced at the diary. She took off her nightgown and started searching for a nice shirt to wear. Just then, as if destiny had cursed her, Naruto screamed out, "SAKURA-CHAN!" and jumped in through her window.

Sakura twitched from shock as Naruto's face grew beet red, then the pink-haired kunoichi slammed her fist into his face, sending him flying.

"You stupid pervert! You never do change, do you?!" Sakura yelled after him. She sighed as she picked up a turquoise tanktop and slipped into in. She put on a pair of jeans and headed outside to Naruto with the diary.

**XxX xXx XxX**

Sakura found Naruto upside down in a trashcan. She was about to punch him again for being too stupid to get himself out, but instead, she kicked the trashcan. It rolled down a hill and hit a rock, sending Naruto flying out. He fell at Sakura's feet.

Naruto stood up unsteadily as Sakura found a bench to sit on. He sat down next to her as she opened the diary to the next entry…

**Dear Diary,**

**Holy mother of tomatoes, I think I'm pregnant! I don't know how it happened. My stomach's been getting fatter and fatter by the day. Kakashi-sensei says that it's probably 'cause I've been eating so much lately, but I don't think that's it. I never did anything wrong, so how could I possibly be… pregnant?! I mean, I'm a man! Or am I… Maybe it was that time I got raped by Orochimaru…**

**Hey, can I ask you something? Of course I can ask you something! Why the hell do I have an over inflated ego?! I mean, god! It's so big you that it can be seen from a mile away! And if someone took a pin and popped it, it would probably knock our world into more of an axis! Or it might even knock the world off its axis…**

**Oh yea, the other day, I tried making pie. Papaya-watermelon. That's my favorite. Itachi made one for me as a joke when we were little, saying it was apple pie, 'cause he thought I'd vomit after eating something so disgusting, but it was so good! Itachi almost died when I said that. He should've completely died! Oh well.**

**Back to what I was saying. I was trying to make a papaya-watermelon pie. But I didn't have any papaya. So I decided to use Brussels sprouts as a substitute. In the end, after making the pie, I realized that I didn't have an oven. Well, I **_**had**_** one, but I kinda accidentally sat on it and it broke. GASP! Maybe I **_**am**_** getting fat!**

**Anyways, I took the pie and put in the freezer, since I didn't have an oven at the moment. Five days later, I took it out and it was frozen! I couldn't understand why the pie got frozen in the freezer! Everyone that I told this story to slapped me. You're not gonna slap me too, right diary? That's a good diary. No slapping Sasuke. Good diary. You're the best.**

**Oh, you know Sakura?**

Sakura gasped and closed the diary. "Hey, I was reading that!" Naruto protested. He reached out for the diary, but Sakura held it up out of his reach.

"This is where Sasuke-kun admits his undying love for me!" Sakura said with a dreamy look in her eyes. "Yea right," Naruto muttered in between several coughs. Sakura opened the diary.

**I completely hate her. She's such a slut, thinking that she's all that. And that ugly forehead of hers! God! She just sticks herself onto me at any random moment and I can't pry her off me even with a freakin' wrench! Wait, would a wrench help me do that? Well, whatevs. That's all for tonight! I mean today. I mean…AAHH! WHAT THE HELL DO I MEAN?!**

**Okay, I really have to go now. Sakura's stupid trumpet-playing neighbor is French kissing my dog! Or is my dog French kissing him?! OMG**

**Unsincerely,**

**Itach—I mean Sasuke Uchiha**

**Wait, is that Unsincerely, or Insincerely?**

**WAIT! How did I just mistake Itachi's name for mine?! On paper?! Oh well. **

Naruto was cracking up from the Uchiha's stupidity. Then a look of utter shock washed over his face as he realized what he had just read in the last two sentences. "HIS DOG FRENCH KISSED YOUR NEIGHBOR, SAKURA-CHAN?!" He looked over at Sakura to see a horrified expression on her face.

"HE HATES ME?! I'LL SHOW HIM HATE!" she screeched. Fire burned through her, almost burning Naruto. She flipped the page so quickly that it almost ripped out of the diary. "Calm down, Sakura-chan!" Naruto said, startled. Sakura ignored him and read the next page.

**Dear Diary,**

**My dog was French kissing the trumpet guy, not the other way around. I'm so ashamed of it. It bit me in some unnamable spots repeatedly when I yelled at it. And then Kiba came and saw me hurting the dog and he went completely crazy! He acted as if the dog was his mom or something! Or maybe Kiba was the dog's mom…**

**Whatevers. Hey, you know the Queens Center Mall? Well, the other day, when Orochimaru disguised himself as Shikamaru and asked me out on a date, and I said yes, he took me there and tried to rape me in the little boys' bathroom! Thank god Shikamaru's dad came in at that moment. He heard my manly cries of bravery (actually, they were girly screams of cowardness, but no one needs to know that) and ran right into the bathroom.**

**And when he saw Shikamaru (Orochimaru) on top of me he immediately fainted from shock. What help he was. But then the real Shikamaru came! And he beat the crap outta Orochimaru! As soon as that stupid pedophile left, Shikamaru's dad woke up and…well…let's just say Shikamaru had a lot of explaining to do. And the fact that his dad saw me with Orochimaru disguised as Shikamaru earlier and that I was still there didn't exactly help. **

**To make a long-ass story short, Shikamaru stuffed my head in the toilet for being so stupid as to go out with Orochimaru when I actually knew it was him, for wanting to go out with **_**Shikamaru**_** (in his dreams! But how am I supposed to explain **_**why**_** I went in the first place…?), then the idiot gave me an atomic wedgie (boy, did that hurt), threw me out the bathroom window (and I landed in a garbage truck!), and left me in the garbage truck to be squashed along with all the garbage!**

**Okay, that was kinda long, but I could've made it longer. And you know it. Hey, you know what's hideous? No, not me. Neji. He thinks I'm a fat gay guy! I mean, I **_**know**_** I've been getting fat, but **_**gay**_**?! Is Neji, like, blind or something?! I can't believe I just asked that. Of course he's blind! He's the blind girl!**

**And you know what? I bitch slapped that blind girl so hard that he lost his underwear! Oh wait…I was the one that lost my underwear, not Neji… Don't ask. I'll tell you next time. If I remember. And I don't think I will. 'Cause I was hungry two seconds ago and then I forgot. Hey! I just remembered! I think I'll make a cardboard and lead pizza. Mmmm…my mouth's watering already. Eww! I just drooled in you, diary! Sorries!**

**Later,**

**Sasgay**

**Wait, no.**

**Sasuke**

"Oh my god, ew! Sakura-chan, he eats cardboard and lead pizza!" Naruto cried, disgust plastered all over his face. Sakura's head was down, her grip on the diary getting harder as she started to shake. "S-Sakura-chan?" Naruto whispered softly. He thought that she was crying. "Sakura-chan, I'm sor—"

"AAAAAAAAARRRRRGGGGGG!" she screamed out in rage. "SASUKE-KUN WOULD GO OUT WITH OROCHIMARU AND SHIKAMARU, BUT NOT ME! AND AFTER THAT, HE CLAIMS HE'S STRAIGHT?! THAT STUPID IDIOT!"

Naruto was shocked at first. Sakura never said anything bad about Sasuke in her life. And all of a sudden, she was screaming at him as if she's hated him almost much as she used to hate Naruto before. The container of the Kyuubi grinned at this and said, "So, Sakura-chan, how do like Sasuke now?" He snickered as Sakura shot him a glare.

Naruto gave her a goofy smile and flipped the page.

**Dear Diary,**

**My pizza didn't taste good. It tasted great! All the lead melted into the cardboard, which got really soft after I soaked it for a while. Funny thing is, when I was trying to be nice to my dog by giving him some, he vomited all of it back onto me. That retarded dog. I still smell like dog-vomit. Ugh.**

**Oh yea. I'll tell you how I lost my underwear. It's simple. Orochimaru, that stupid pedophile, wanted it so he used his brand new technique, "Steal Little Boy's Underwear no Jutsu" and stole my underwear. Let me tell you, I felt really weird without my underwear and I don't even **_**want**_** to know what that rapist did with them. I don't think I want them back anymore…**

**Did you know that the world was round? I always thought it was a square! (a/n: Thanks, sportypielover!) And the sun! Since when was it yellow? It always looked as green as my gorgeous green hair to me! And oranges! How'd they get so orange?! I could've sworn they were purple!**

**God, the world just changes everything, doesn't it? It's like I'm hated or something. Well, at least I'm not emo! Wait. I am emo! Oh well. So much for that. You know what really sucks? No, not me! Naruto Uzumaki. That stupid fool who's actually dumber than me (no offense to myself). I can't believe he though 2 plus 2 equaled 4! I mean, everyone knows that it equals six! **

**Whoa! Look at the time! 8 a.m.! Time for bed! Bonjour! Oh wait. That means hi. Never mind.**

**Signed,**

**The Green Haired Beauty**

**Sasuke Uchiha**

Naruto almost choked on air from reading the closure. Then he started to het pissed from what Sasuke wrote about him, but let it slide since the stupid Uchiha dissed himself as well. Sakura sighed and closed the diary. "I don't think we can read anymore, Naruto," she said.

"Whaddya, mean?!" asked Naruto.

"It's too…wrong! We've barfed so many times and we've only read a couple of entries!"

"Deal with it, and take it like a man!" Naruto told Sakura with a determined look in his eye, not realizing dangers of what he had just said. Sakura looked up at him, anger flashing in her eyes. She tried to smile, but she just couldn't.

"Wh-What was that, Naruto?" she asked through gritted teeth.

Then it hit Naruto. "I-I mean woman! I totally mean woman! I didn't say man! I said woman! Sakura-chan, please don't kill—HOLY MOTHER OF RAMEN! NOT THAT! PLEASE! DON'T DO THAT!"

Sakura had picked up a 70-story building with one hand and was about to smash it down on Naruto. "So, Naruto, still feel like calling me a MAN?!"

"N-NO!" Naruto screamed. "I don't—OOOOWWWWWW!"

And Sakura did her worst to Naruto just because of one little word. Talk about anger management problems…

And where was the diary during this whole mess? It was left on the bench that Sakura and Naruto had left. The bench that Neji Hyuuga approached the next day. The bench that he found a book on with the words "Sasuke's Diary" embedded on the front. The bench that Neji sat down on to read the hideous entries in Sasuke's diary.

**a/n: Dun dun dun! (insert "dun dun dun" music here) Whaddya think of that?! Oh yea. I won't be updating any of my stories for a while 'cause I'm going on vacation on Thursday. Yay! Vacation! I'll be back near the end of August, but I'll probably start updating again sometime in September. So I hope you enjoyed this chapter and remember: reviews make me happy. The more reviews I have, the happier I get. The happier I get, the faster I update. Yay! I just ate a whole bag of candy! And it said that the bag contained 20 servings! SUGAR HIGH! HYPER! YAY! XD**


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